What Do You Want to Smash When You Grow Up?

"You can be anything you want to be when you grow up." My parents repeated this to me many times as a child. By the time I reached kindergarten I had thought about it long and hard. This was obviously a big decision -- it was the third most-asked question by adults after "What's your name?" and "How old are you?" (and solidly ahead of the fourth most-asked, "Would you like a ride in my van?").

In order to narrow down my career choices I listed the qualities I wanted in my future profession:

• Power- I wanted to be able to control others and impose my will on them. This is a no-brainer. It was my firm belief that either you go big or you go home.
• Respect- Power without respect is a fool's game and only results in your eventual downfall. Plus I watched the Blues Brothers a lot that year and if Aretha wanted it, it was good enough for me.
• Height- I definitely wanted to be tall. My parents had obviously made poor career choices and went with jobs where you are short. I was not going to repeat their mistakes.

Now I bet you're saying "Joe - power, respect, height? You wanted to be President!" Dear reader, I would have to disagree completely. While it did cross my mind, I quickly dismissed the thought. I had seen what they did to poor Jimmy Carter, not to mention how they forced Reagan to wear all that makeup. And come on- did we all forget about James Madison? The man was 5' 4". No, President was not for me.

My choice was clear to me that day - when I grew up I wanted to be... a stop sign.

Standing tall at a busy intersection, everyone obeying my command and respecting the law. It was perfect. Plus, I looked really good in red.

I shared my plan to my teacher who was visibly disappointed in the news. "But you could be anything you want," she shouted, "Why not a business man or a fire hydrant?" I would not let myself be swayed and demanded I be placed on a pre-traffic device educational track.

Later on that week, my father, as is his paternal duty, killed my dream. He pointed out the fatal flaw in my plan - I did not know how to spell STOP. "Wait- thats a requirement of the job?" I asked, "No one told me there would be spelling involved." I had to quickly reassess. What other job had all the required traits and did not need spelling skills? Or even better - one where the very lack of spelling and grammar skills are actually a bonus? And then it hit me: The Hulk.

My plan was brilliant in its simplicity. I would grow up to be the Hulk. I would be powerful, I could demand respect, I would tower over my enemies- and I could speak in grammatically incorrect sentence fragments to my sweaty green content. Oh all the smashing I would do!

Throughout grade school I stuck to my plan - I practiced Hulk faces, tried to get angry and I remained vigilant in my search for a wholesale supplier of gamma rays. Later in high school I studied for the SATs in order to gain acceptance into a top smashing program at a private liberal arts college. My application essay was a work of art, and one I can still recite from memory: "Joe angry! Joe smash!"

Needless to say I had my choice of schools, but decided on Hobart College because of the idyllic setting, their excellent lacrosse team, and the secret gamma-ray bomb facility.

I started out my first year full of excitement about finally fulfilling my giant green angry dream. But my focus began to wane later that year. I got a part in a play, met some cute girls, and began to wonder if smashing is just a tool of the white Christian patriarchy to keep down the workers. Also other majors got to go on much better study-abroad programs. Smashing students only get to go to the savage planet Sakaar, and the beer there sucks.

So I became an English major and even learned to spell "stop" (though that ship had sailed a long time earlier). I met a nice women's studies minor, was educated in some of the finest drinking countries Europe has to offer, and forgot about my dreams.

Here it is years later- I work in marketing. No power, no respect, never get to smash anything.

Also I'm short.